DATELINE: 1872
"Man oh man, would you look at that." Everett shook the front page of the North Alaska Weekly Post ("The Post With the Most!") at the other men in front of the post office. CONFEDERACY LANDS STEAMSHIP ON MOON! it declared in font so large it covered the entire front page. Which was actually the only page. Not a lot going on in North Alaska, even on a weekly basis.
"That there Confederate industrializatin' shore is sumthin'," said Zebulon, punctuating his sentiment with a stream of tobacco juice. "Guess they had the right idea lettin' them slaves free after all."
"It's true," said Melvin expositionally, "who among us could have known the Confederacy would have banned slavery entirely mere weeks after securing its freedom? Of course, they've been on the upswing ever since they pressured the Union into granting plebiscites which they won in Arizona, Kentucky, Maine, and Guam."
"Didn't see the Maine one coming," said Everett.
"Was Guam even part of America? What year is it?"
"Shut up, Zeb. Well, surely it can't have much effect on us up here in North Alaska."
"Why does America even have Alaska, that's post-point of de-"
"GOD DAMN IT ZEB anyway, I can't imagine much changing. Even after Gary found all that gold the other month. How'd you find that gold again, Gary?"
A man snoozing with a bottle of whiskey stirred. "Whu-whut? Muh gold? Butterflies what led me to it, I tell you what."
"Well, there you go. Butterflies explain everything."
"Finally got me some a' them gold teeths!" Gary smiled wide, displaying a mouth crudely stuffed with gold nuggets.
Suddenly, from over the horizon came an earth-shattering roar.
"Did anybody else hear an earth-shattering roar?"
Soon a plume of black smoke was visible over the horizon. The men briefly discussed seeking shelter, but the only other building in town besides the post office was the saloon, and the saloon was just a barrel full of bottles buried next to the post office. So they waited.
Speeding across the icy seas was a vessel unlike the men had ever seen before. A floating city! A ship the size of a large building, or several smaller buildings! The clanking behemoth ground to a stop against the icy shore and a figure leapt down.
The man bellowed slowly, if such a thing is possible. "I claim North Alaska ... for the ... Confederacy!?!" With a sweeping gesture, he planted the Confederate flag, with its bars and a star for each of the eighty nine states.
"Now fella, you're not gonna wanna be doin' that," said Melvin.
"And why not?!" Said the man. "You have no hope of facing the might of this Confederate built 'air-craft-carrier'! Cower before the might of industrialization!"
On board the ship, men were feverishly throwing bales of cotton into a furnace.
Gary stirred from his slumber once more. "You're a negro!"
"African-American, Gary."
"African-Confederate?"
"You are correct," said the man. "Behold the strength of an anti-slavery, racially equal Confederacy! And they called it impossible! Hah! Hah two times! I am General Thaddeus Laurence Oneninetyone."
"Is that ... is that like a slave name?"
"'s a dumb name," said Zebulon.
"Jesus, Zeb, don't be racist! You're makin' America look bad!"
The tobacco-chewing man mumbled disconsolately "I could do better jokes than that."
"ANYWAY," shouted T.L.
"Puns of the South. Bam."
"ANYWAY," the man repeated. "You have now been conquered and added to the Confederacy. Fear not, our country's balance of state and national power is more perfectly balanced than God's own heavens. THE POWER AND GLORY OF THE CONFEDERACY-"
"Sir," said Melvin anxiously, "you gotta stop yelling."
"NOT EVEN THE BOLL WEEVIL CAN STOP US. I MOCK THEM AND THEIR BOLLING."
"Aw, there it is," said Melvin. "All that shoutin's got them riled again. Boys!" Melvin, Zebulon, and Everett piled into the post office. As it only fit three, Gary buried himself in the saloon.
T.L. was dumbstruck. "What the hell are you people doing?!"
"Well, sir," said Everett.
"What do you mean, 'you people'..." said Zebulon.
"It's just that," said Everett.
"SEA LIONS!" yelled Melvin.
And sure enough, they came piling over the drifts of snow and ice, awoken from their dreams and filled with a terrible rage. The aquatic mammals tore through the hull of the Confederate ship, sending it to the bottom of the sea. They poured down the West Coast, down through Confederate Oregon, Washington, California, Baja California, Sonora, Chihuahua, Guam, and all the rest, before storming Richmond and devouring President Robert E. Lee.
The general was too horrified to speak as the men poked their heads back out of the post office.
"Wow!" said Melvin. "That's one of the worst outbreaks yet!"
"Top five," said Everett. "Easy."
"This is gonna put us on the map, boys! You know what we need to do to celebrate? Actually name this here town! We can't have all the papers just saying 'A small town in North Alaska'."
"Well, what should we call it?"
"Many towns are named after prominent citizens," said Melvin. "And Gary's the richest man here."
"We can't call the town Gary, that's taken."
"Gary, what's your last name?"
"Well boys, I don't know if it's a good name for a town, but my name ..." he turns to look directly at the audience. "IS HITLER!"
"Man oh man, would you look at that." Everett shook the front page of the North Alaska Weekly Post ("The Post With the Most!") at the other men in front of the post office. CONFEDERACY LANDS STEAMSHIP ON MOON! it declared in font so large it covered the entire front page. Which was actually the only page. Not a lot going on in North Alaska, even on a weekly basis.
"That there Confederate industrializatin' shore is sumthin'," said Zebulon, punctuating his sentiment with a stream of tobacco juice. "Guess they had the right idea lettin' them slaves free after all."
"It's true," said Melvin expositionally, "who among us could have known the Confederacy would have banned slavery entirely mere weeks after securing its freedom? Of course, they've been on the upswing ever since they pressured the Union into granting plebiscites which they won in Arizona, Kentucky, Maine, and Guam."
"Didn't see the Maine one coming," said Everett.
"Was Guam even part of America? What year is it?"
"Shut up, Zeb. Well, surely it can't have much effect on us up here in North Alaska."
"Why does America even have Alaska, that's post-point of de-"
"GOD DAMN IT ZEB anyway, I can't imagine much changing. Even after Gary found all that gold the other month. How'd you find that gold again, Gary?"
A man snoozing with a bottle of whiskey stirred. "Whu-whut? Muh gold? Butterflies what led me to it, I tell you what."
"Well, there you go. Butterflies explain everything."
"Finally got me some a' them gold teeths!" Gary smiled wide, displaying a mouth crudely stuffed with gold nuggets.
Suddenly, from over the horizon came an earth-shattering roar.
"Did anybody else hear an earth-shattering roar?"
Soon a plume of black smoke was visible over the horizon. The men briefly discussed seeking shelter, but the only other building in town besides the post office was the saloon, and the saloon was just a barrel full of bottles buried next to the post office. So they waited.
Speeding across the icy seas was a vessel unlike the men had ever seen before. A floating city! A ship the size of a large building, or several smaller buildings! The clanking behemoth ground to a stop against the icy shore and a figure leapt down.
The man bellowed slowly, if such a thing is possible. "I claim North Alaska ... for the ... Confederacy!?!" With a sweeping gesture, he planted the Confederate flag, with its bars and a star for each of the eighty nine states.
"Now fella, you're not gonna wanna be doin' that," said Melvin.
"And why not?!" Said the man. "You have no hope of facing the might of this Confederate built 'air-craft-carrier'! Cower before the might of industrialization!"
On board the ship, men were feverishly throwing bales of cotton into a furnace.
Gary stirred from his slumber once more. "You're a negro!"
"African-American, Gary."
"African-Confederate?"
"You are correct," said the man. "Behold the strength of an anti-slavery, racially equal Confederacy! And they called it impossible! Hah! Hah two times! I am General Thaddeus Laurence Oneninetyone."
"Is that ... is that like a slave name?"
"'s a dumb name," said Zebulon.
"Jesus, Zeb, don't be racist! You're makin' America look bad!"
The tobacco-chewing man mumbled disconsolately "I could do better jokes than that."
"ANYWAY," shouted T.L.
"Puns of the South. Bam."
"ANYWAY," the man repeated. "You have now been conquered and added to the Confederacy. Fear not, our country's balance of state and national power is more perfectly balanced than God's own heavens. THE POWER AND GLORY OF THE CONFEDERACY-"
"Sir," said Melvin anxiously, "you gotta stop yelling."
"NOT EVEN THE BOLL WEEVIL CAN STOP US. I MOCK THEM AND THEIR BOLLING."
"Aw, there it is," said Melvin. "All that shoutin's got them riled again. Boys!" Melvin, Zebulon, and Everett piled into the post office. As it only fit three, Gary buried himself in the saloon.
T.L. was dumbstruck. "What the hell are you people doing?!"
"Well, sir," said Everett.
"What do you mean, 'you people'..." said Zebulon.
"It's just that," said Everett.
"SEA LIONS!" yelled Melvin.
And sure enough, they came piling over the drifts of snow and ice, awoken from their dreams and filled with a terrible rage. The aquatic mammals tore through the hull of the Confederate ship, sending it to the bottom of the sea. They poured down the West Coast, down through Confederate Oregon, Washington, California, Baja California, Sonora, Chihuahua, Guam, and all the rest, before storming Richmond and devouring President Robert E. Lee.
The general was too horrified to speak as the men poked their heads back out of the post office.
"Wow!" said Melvin. "That's one of the worst outbreaks yet!"
"Top five," said Everett. "Easy."
"This is gonna put us on the map, boys! You know what we need to do to celebrate? Actually name this here town! We can't have all the papers just saying 'A small town in North Alaska'."
"Well, what should we call it?"
"Many towns are named after prominent citizens," said Melvin. "And Gary's the richest man here."
"We can't call the town Gary, that's taken."
"Gary, what's your last name?"
"Well boys, I don't know if it's a good name for a town, but my name ..." he turns to look directly at the audience. "IS HITLER!"
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