What Hurts Most
Camden Town, London
Blair Graham watched her son Mark walk off to the park to meet with his friends. He was starting to get to that age where he wanted as little to do with his parents as possible. Though it hurt, she didn't take it personally.
But wasn't what hurt the most.
He thought she was stupid.
Her own son looked at her like she was an idiot. Ever since Mark became old enough to begin understanding the system his mother lived under, ever since he knew what came before the liberation, he looked at her like she was a complete moron. How could she believe all the things she did when she was younger? How could she live so long barely having any life of her own?
How could she believe that war was peace, freedom was slavery, and ignorance was strength?
Mark gave her the most disdainful look whenever she accidentally slipped into Newspeak while talking to him, asking her what in hell she was trying to say before asking if she knew how ridiculous she sounded. More than once, she had to keep herself from breaking into tears until he was out of earshot.
It caused her so much pain to admit that she saw herself much the same way. She was a newly minted Outer Party member when the liberation occurred, working in Miniplenty. She remembered seeing the men in parachutes landing in the street and engaging soldiers in firefights. She remembered the air strikes. She remembered seeing officers of the Thought Police being taken away in handcuffs while medical posts were set up for the prisoners at the Ministry of Love.
Most of all, Blair remembered how she felt once it all became clear, when the truth came out.
None of it was real. Big Brother. Eurasia. Eastasia. The war. All of it. For fifty years, Britain was ruled by a police state unlike any other who kept the populace in line by concocting epic narratives about a struggle between good and evil. Oceania was supposed to be multi-continental superstate participating in massive battles with its enemies across the world, its shores protected by floating fortresses.
But it was just a single island bordering Europe. And while Oceania was frozen in time, so much had passed in the rest of the world. What Blair understood to be the inspiration for Eurasia, the Soviet Union, had fallen. An amazing new method of communication had been in the past few decades. Technology had developed at a breakneck pace. Rockets had gone into space, humanity had set foot on the moon.
The world had passed Oceania by.
She felt like her entire life up to that point was for nothing. Still, she felt so fortunate that her son was born after Oceania collapsed. Mark never heard the Party's slogans, never aspired to join its ranks. Though she could tell he held some contempt for what she used to believe, the idea of turning her over to the authorities was unthinkable to him. He grew up in a much freer world, one that was so much more colorful.
The way Mark looked at her sometimes caused her a great deal of pain. But Blair actually drew a great deal of hope from his attitude.
He wanted to be nothing like who she was when she was young. And she felt that to be a very respectable goal.
Blair Graham watched her son Mark walk off to the park to meet with his friends. He was starting to get to that age where he wanted as little to do with his parents as possible. Though it hurt, she didn't take it personally.
But wasn't what hurt the most.
He thought she was stupid.
Her own son looked at her like she was an idiot. Ever since Mark became old enough to begin understanding the system his mother lived under, ever since he knew what came before the liberation, he looked at her like she was a complete moron. How could she believe all the things she did when she was younger? How could she live so long barely having any life of her own?
How could she believe that war was peace, freedom was slavery, and ignorance was strength?
Mark gave her the most disdainful look whenever she accidentally slipped into Newspeak while talking to him, asking her what in hell she was trying to say before asking if she knew how ridiculous she sounded. More than once, she had to keep herself from breaking into tears until he was out of earshot.
It caused her so much pain to admit that she saw herself much the same way. She was a newly minted Outer Party member when the liberation occurred, working in Miniplenty. She remembered seeing the men in parachutes landing in the street and engaging soldiers in firefights. She remembered the air strikes. She remembered seeing officers of the Thought Police being taken away in handcuffs while medical posts were set up for the prisoners at the Ministry of Love.
Most of all, Blair remembered how she felt once it all became clear, when the truth came out.
None of it was real. Big Brother. Eurasia. Eastasia. The war. All of it. For fifty years, Britain was ruled by a police state unlike any other who kept the populace in line by concocting epic narratives about a struggle between good and evil. Oceania was supposed to be multi-continental superstate participating in massive battles with its enemies across the world, its shores protected by floating fortresses.
But it was just a single island bordering Europe. And while Oceania was frozen in time, so much had passed in the rest of the world. What Blair understood to be the inspiration for Eurasia, the Soviet Union, had fallen. An amazing new method of communication had been in the past few decades. Technology had developed at a breakneck pace. Rockets had gone into space, humanity had set foot on the moon.
The world had passed Oceania by.
She felt like her entire life up to that point was for nothing. Still, she felt so fortunate that her son was born after Oceania collapsed. Mark never heard the Party's slogans, never aspired to join its ranks. Though she could tell he held some contempt for what she used to believe, the idea of turning her over to the authorities was unthinkable to him. He grew up in a much freer world, one that was so much more colorful.
The way Mark looked at her sometimes caused her a great deal of pain. But Blair actually drew a great deal of hope from his attitude.
He wanted to be nothing like who she was when she was young. And she felt that to be a very respectable goal.